I just can’t be it
Leave me behind,
I don’t want to go
with you
unless they go
But they won’t
They’re far too inwards to understand
situations out of hand
But they know
there’s no answer
I can’t do what they all
want you
to do
So now
we’ll lose
everything we start to keep
for our lives
Their hands
I don’t see that they will change
for you
and your good will
They take what they can
for themselves’ own ends
Believe
A victim
A last farewell
and we shall run
--
End
=
The medicine is all we need
to keep us away and hidden
We can only see the sunset
We can never see the sunrise
In our funny little homes
we’re really quite alone
We’re just a sitting target
for your superiority
But the medicine is all we need
to keep us away and hidden
We can only see the sunset
We can never see the sunrise
Alone and unaware, the landscape was transformed in front of our eyes. Buildings began to stretch wide across the sky, and the air filled with a reddish glow. The soundless dawn came alive as cities began to mark the horizon. Mechanical sounds cascaded through the city walls and everyone reveled in their ignorance. A brief moment of clarity broke through the deafening hum, but it was too late. Our happiest days slowly began to turn into dust. The sixth extinction crept up slowly, like sunlight through the shutters, as we looked back in regret…
All the favors
The favors that you pull
Will be repaid
Repaid in more than full
Just close your mind
Because nothing’s really worth it
Just close your mind
Does that not feel so good?
So we litter the land
What we don’t need we want
You give life and then don’t feed it
It’s all smothered beauty
All the favors
The favors that you pull
Will be repaid
Repaid in more than full
Just close your mind
Because nothing’s really worth it
Just close your mind
Does that not feel so good?
So we litter the land
What we don’t need we want
You give life and then don’t feed it
It’s all smothered beauty
All the favors
The favors that you pull
Will be repaid
Repaid in more than full
Just close your mind
Because nothing’s really worth it
Just close your mind
Does that not feel so good?
So we litter the land
What we don’t need we want
You give life and then don’t feed it
It’s all smothered beauty
Reaching arms, a tree at night
Burnt and black, it stole the light
And you know what it is that I feel
And you know what it is that I feel
And when your fingers pull and fight
They braid and weave inside
Making planes and trees ignite
Destroying all that they feel
Growing bright above the planes
What has happened to the weight?
And you know what it is that I feel
And you know what it is that I feel
When your fingers pull and fight
They braid and weave inside
Making planes and trees ignite
Destroying all that they feel
Are we so right we stopped searching
Are we so lost we stopped walking
Are we so right we stopped searching
Are we so lost we stopped walking
Are we so lost
Are we so lost
Cold in this soil
and longing for your embrace
Growing old
as time takes what’s left in state
Then
the trees
are brown
and we all sleep
Heart filled with love
Despairing, descending day
Will they take
Both hands will wrest away
Flesh
and bone
and time
will free us
Exploding with leaves,
the wind is the painter’s brush
Finding lines
and filling the heart with love
Down,
the trunk,
the roots
will feed…
Trying to be Human is exhausting and disappointing and obnoxious.
Everyone just wants chances to condescend and be superior. Frontal lobes don’t exist anymore.
Always shine
Always shine
Always shine bright down on me
Mother Earth
Mother Earth
Mother Earth, take the pain away
All we are
All we are
All we are we’ll never be
Always shine
Always shine
Always shine bright down on me
Mother Earth
Mother Earth
Mother Earth, take the pain away
away
away
away
away
away
away
away
All the ghosts that haunt us don’t scare
We’re just too selfish to be that aware
Why believe yourself
Why believe yourself
Dull clouds line the pathways to ugly skylines
Rivers flow to grey buildings
Sweet air
Bitter taste
Why believe yourself
Why believe yourself
Why believe yourself
Why believe yourself
Why
Time to feed the monster
I don’t need another friend
Comfort is a mystery
crawling out of my own skin
Just give me what I came for
and I’m out the door again
Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get just what I need
Lie to get what I crave
Lie and smile to get what’s mine
Desperate days,
when solutions are sold
for a price too high
for the exit stage
Can’t wait for long
All that my past would tell
Could see all the silence
plain as day
Plan until the end
I won’t defend
The altercations all fade
Spin out of control
like all the tolls that I expected to pay
as madness settles in
Comfort yourself
Grant us our subsidy
Our contentiousness failed
Passed along
Descendants of the acts themselves
No sense in rising up
when deceptions gone
I said
You said
We said
Kept a log
of every exclamation saved
Plan until the end
I will defend
The altercations all fade
Spin out of control
Like all the tolls that I expected to pay
as madness settles in
Comfort yourself
Startled at the truth I might get old anyway
The coefficient’s off
save for the life ahead of me
No sound can cull a tendency
to react to some,
but disregard the ending scene
Plan until the end
I won’t pretend the occupations are sane
Feel out of control
I can’t emote
The expiration is real
Comfort yourself
Resolve to fail
Makes sense if you’re sitting still
Seal off all cares
Shame, I selfishly will not feel
Resolve to fail
Makes sense if you’re sitting still
Seal off all cares
Shame, I selfishly will not feel safe
It’s in my head now
It’s in my mind now
It’s in my face now
It’s in my brain now
City of mutants darken the night
Evil illusion, guided by light
The friends you thought, they never were
Egos and icons, they just don’t care
You hope to die quiet, laying in bed
It’s better than pointing a gun to your head
It’s in my head now
It’s in my mind now
It’s in my face now
It’s in my brain now
See these fools that surround us
Make their rules that define us
Seeing reds that confound us
Make your rules
The gates we see are never open
For you and I, they create purpose
A sense of worth, but lost in Heaven
Our only hope
They’re the architects of sight
Building walls to block our light
Only in dreams we’ll make it right
Only in dreams will we take flight
You’ll be there at my end
Like my only friend
You know that it’s true
It will only be you
You’ll be there at my end
Like my only friend
You know that it’s true
It can only be you
I’m dead in the water
A silhouette turning over
I’ll wait for you here
And I keep forgetting
where I meant to be
All so far
yet
all so near
So tell me
Just what are these gifts that you bring?
This life is amazing
but the colors keep changing
And I’m sure
We shouldn’t be wasting away
My rotting history
Will find its place
So don’t go
so cold
So don’t go
so cold
I’ll not be afraid
It’s taken this long
to come back again
And yet, I might suffer
the fate of another
Of shit and the bones
and all things considered
I walked with my hands held out
I walked with my hands held out
to
you
and
all
that’s
good
And I’m sure
we shouldn’t be wasting away
And I’m sure
we shouldn’t be wasting away
And I’m sure
we shouldn’t be wasting away
And I’m sure
we shouldn’t be wasting away
Living
back
words
I’m
living
back
words
I’m
living change
back change
words change
I’m change
living change
back change
words change
I’m change
living change
back change
words change
I’m change
living change
back change
words change
One thing I fear is what I might lose
Kiss on the mouth to remind me of you
Take it in turns to decide where to go
I’m looking for something that God only knows
And in my arms, on the way down
Are you still calling me? And how do I hear?
The morning sun swept to give me pause,
with light beaming into every pore.
Under the depth and weight of pureness bronzed,
she tried to steal my open eyes,
she tried to take my only growth;
to her, it was a darkened sore.
To her, I was a changing tide,
and she wanted me to flow for her.
I have slept beneath the bones of life,
under miles of everything rotten and blind,
so that I could know the reach of sight.
I lay here so I would know myself,
even though I've grown morose and deaf.
It is mine as it is oceanic breath,
But I would not change that for the acceptance of morning.
--
If you come to know the rupture
and withdraw into the sculpture,
the form of held enclosure,
you can see what I hold dear.
It's wordless and uncounted,
belittled and discounted.
The faceless, voiceless fountain,
it gives strength and definition
to neurosis, to ignition.
And in this deepening abstraction
is where I watch the endless crashing
and find freedom and salvation.
Release through retention;
contraction and expansion;
I suffer every tension,
am crushed beneath dissection.
What has begun as distention,
agony and dementia,
brings whole the separation.
I drink from this dissension
to wring out my ascension.
--
As thoughts start seething
And blood mixes in with what I'm feeling,
Like a tangled web of tears and sweat,
Of prospects sold to be unmet,
I claw away the mildew stains
To froth and foam spherical regret,
While you forget the words you've said,
They fuel the fields inside my head.
With rusted blades, scorned dull and bland,
The shit I've grown inside my soul is just too bare to shove away.
I can't even catch a single breath,
Nor find myself for one last stand.
This is the well, dug deep into bone:
No water, no stone; I've been sweating, feeling windblown.
The brown of autumn's face,
Inked darkly.
--
I can't sleep. When did this hill become so steep? I just want to lay my head down and be greeted by some peace. When I picture your face etched in my mind like flames, all my thoughts become whitewash, and I feel like I'm insane. I love you, even though you're hell, a concrete swell in an ocean of muffled bells. It sounds like pain and tears and grime. And it's all mine. I think about you all the time... I still think about you all the time.
--
Low place like home
I still feel the pangs of needs that bring me back to my adolescence. It’s ridiculous.
I’d just like to turn my brain off for a few months and not worry about it now. But, I guess that’s what I said a few months ago; here I am.
It’s so silly to feel the kinds of basic yearnings that are so aesthetically human. I hate the kind of people that are always looking to take advantage of the opposite sex, or to fill their own loneliness with physical intimacy. And when I yearn for those kinds of things, I dismiss it. I think about where it would end up, and the unsatisfying tinge that paints sex when it’s with someone you don’t love absolutely.
I think about the frailty of human interaction, and just how much is based on your own reflection in the first place. I don’t meet the kind of people who are genuinely interested in me or my thoughts. I’m just a sounding board, most of the time. A brick wall.
But I don’t really care about that in the same way that a self-conscious person would. I just care about the idea of actually meeting that other kind of people. It has to happen someday.
I didn’t have it with people I’ve known my whole life, and I haven’t found it in the myriad forms of succubus that have clawed at my heart. Half of it is because I’ve never met anyone I wanted to share that with, and the other half is that nobody really tried, anyway.
But, in a few days or a week or two weeks, I’ll be back in a manic phase and schizoid and it won’t matter for a month or two. That’s what’s so goddamned silly about it. It becomes easier to repress yourself when you’re harder to suppress.
The part of me that just wants to get laid is ugly, because it goes against what I’ve learned and my own principles. The part of me that regrets the past is ugly because I still mourn the death of someone that never gave a shit about me, and sank into self-loathing bitterness. I mourn a lot of things, and none of them really matter at all, because they either happened in what seems like a past life, or they were pointless and stupid in the first place.
The man in me wants to feel attractive to the kind of women I feel attracted toward, even if I blow them off or act strangely. I at least want the satisfaction of feeling like I’m not just a bitter, mentally wrecked loser.
Being around such banal people has made me realize just how extraordinary my upbringing was. Or, maybe it was just my own intelligence that got me through it. I’ve seen the dark mouth of Hell, and I’ve lived in a black hole, and I’ve been to places that cause me to laugh inside every time I hear someone talking about their “dark shit”. They don’t know what real, mind-shattering psychoses are, and they don’t know what real trauma is.
I attribute too much to the importance I place on past memories. But, I’m not the kind of person that lets go just because it’s not important anymore. My past will always be important to me; so I tell myself.
The more I live through it, the more I realize that I would hate myself if I did lower to that bottom standard. If I became another douchey guy; if I manipulated people in such a condescending way, as if they were objects to me; if I eternally sought to raise myself above others so that they knew; If I became the kind of person I hated, just for bland, bleak fulfillment; How could I really live with myself after that?
Sometimes I feel like I have every single moment of my life stored in my head. Then I think about people like Nietzsche, Staley, Turing. They all died in abject misery. So maybe that’s a kind of badge of honor I can hope for.
In the very center of my soul, I have always been the kind of person to hammer myself down into absurd and selfish things. I pound and break and stomp until there’s less than nothing left. I’ve carved my opinions into the foreheads of the kind of people that were too stupid to realize I was better than them. Part of that is never giving up on its weight, never putting it aside just to be a sheep long enough to sate their thirst of the animalistic.