Tuesday, June 23, 2009


The plague that I hide from shows itself periodically, as chronic instability. My brother, the one who was supposed to be the leader, gets too drunk to think and feels sorry for himself, lashing out like a child. It is so pathetic, and at the same time I can see the same feelings in myself.

The first time it was profound, I took it seriously, and I was affected by it. Now, I know that this will all be forgotten shortly thereafter, and I will still be affected by it. It bolsters my own instability by separating me from without.

It is a fracture in our pasts, in our upbringing that becomes such a virulent corpse, rotting slowly in the mind. I have generally found a way past it; at least, temporarily.

But every time I see this... it crushes me again. I'm ripped out all over, to be pulled back into feelings that gave me every idiosyncratic twitch, every neurosis. And I do not know what to do about it.

How empty would I be to just escape? Even if there is no salvation for this kind of life, this kind of reality, would I be able to live with my deeper self if I threw it all away and left? This is where I came from, whether I like it or not.

My roots, and the lack thereof.

I will probably always be stricken with the reiterating sickness of being born in my family.

It makes me so angry that I am shattered by childishness and irresponsibility. I gave an ultimatum, and it was forgotten in the way that a gambler goes back to the den of thieves, to be corrupted all over again.

I self-medicate for reasons like these... so I'm no better, in a way.

I think of all of the things I'm going to say tomorrow, the disappointment and the anger, but none of that really matters. Now is the only important time frame.

I see how much the world is driven by its chemistry. I see people being pulled and ripped apart because of their selves. I see myself falling in the same way, and I don't know what to do about it.

Friday, June 19, 2009


My cycle brings me back to the same feeling. The feeling that I've had since childhood has never stopped its domination of me. I want to escape.

I want to be that prince, the savior. But am I... really? Can I do something like that?

To defeat the Dragon, the God and the Thought, I run into circular logic: Fear, inhibition, caution, the reversed sagacity of a hermit. I run into Me.

I will sever though negligence, even though I don't want to. I delve too far inside myself, and everything else is shut out, whether I like it or not. It is the only part of my continual, ephemeral rebirth that keeps me intact. I just don't believe that I am the kind of magnanimous cadence that draws along the best intentions. I can put up that front, but I do not think I can make it real.

And so, my love will smolder and burn and rage, and confuse me. It will never cease, though... believe me. There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

one day....

this will all pass. I won't be flinching, startled awake by the limp cigarette in my hand that has been inching, closing in and finally burning the fuck out of me. I have mny small golff

my heart and brain... AWOL.....

I toss and turn.
Yeah, I can't sleep.
I don't understand my life,
I don't understand my suffering...
I try to fight,
I try to resist,
but all the hate and all the pain and all the lies;
I can't take this....

Friday, June 12, 2009

Myspace. Pictures.

Sexuality is a very ambiguous thing. It represents our lust, the flavor of sexual desire we find appealing. We can't always choose them, and I believe they are based more on personality than anything. Personality itself is something shaped by your surroundings, the 'nurture' within the 'nature'.

So, naturally, our sexual desires manifest themselves in ways that affirm both our ego and id. The only one who truly knows these things is the person themself. We can only be so deeply intimate when we're alone.

By isolation, you can free every desire in your mind and body. It's like singing into a hairbrush as a microphone, or just doing something you think is very embarrassing... you only feel comfortable doing it by yourself.

Where the internet comes into this, is digital media. You have that same emotional isolation with a video camera, or a keyboard. You don't have to worry about someone watching, and you can present anything you want. There is no limit line, because there is no one there to take offense to your actions.

It seems to me that this is what makes online dating so appealing. But beyond just the dating sites, the matchmaker scams... it appears everywhere. A girl character in an MMO is almost always, at some point in their playing career, asked if they're really a girl. If you put up the front that you ARE a girl, then you're treated much differently than a guy would be. It's pedantic, I know... but it brings up a point.

When opposite genders meet on a medium that can't be seen through, things get out of hand. It doesn't matter if the guy is some fat-assed, thirteen year old nerd, because it's the words he types that defines who he is. On a site or messenger service with video and pictures, it's not as incognito, but the same trends are prevalent. You can infer a lot from looking at someone's picture, especially in this day and age, when pictures are much more informal.

It's invigorating to not have to take the risks of physical growth. It's easier to display what you want than to have someone deal with your full, head-on personality.

So all these children, who grow up learning that their faults are best to be hidden, that there is no complete vulnerability through a veil. For example, the new thing I saw on MySpace, called "IConfessional". It allows people to confess their "sins", completely anonymously.

Now, I can see how this would be constructive-- but I feel that on a larger scale, it just feeds into the complex detatchment associated with congressing on the internet. It doesn't help that most of the demographic these services apply to and are marketted towards don't really know what it's like to form a long-term physical bond with someone. I know that this is a blanket statement, and I'm not saying everyone has lost this opportunity. I am saying, though, that the meaning of physical contact, physical growth between people has definitely been reduced in significance among society today.

With this shameless display of egoism, it's easy to see that a large effect of this would be censorship degredation. Everything becomes more sexual by the week-- the standard is lowering itself because of this "emotional enlightenment". Underaged kids become camwhores, in a sense, because it's a venue that is free to the individual's use.

People use things in these ways, to liberate themselves, when really they're restricting their way of thinking. When you become addicted to an outlet, your creative soul loses power to the lustral, earthly voice telling you how to justify your isolation.

And believe me, it is isolation. I don't care the argument, or the reason. If any part of you is hidden, you are completely isolated. To form a real bond is to have everything about you accepted.

And, to become an advertiser of your own soul -- marketing what you feel is attractive, you have lost all worth as a person. If you hide pieces of yourself from those you want to be intimate with, you will lose those pieces. These words would have more meaning if the problem wasn't so wide-scale. I don't even think anyone would agree with what I've written, because everyone seems to think this way.

But I'm fucking glad I didn't grow up with a cell phone.

But my lungs go on...

This is what I needed, the final cutting loose of our bond. This is what I needed, for real. I needed to be away from you, to be done with this trip, for a painful reason.

I needed to be back in my world, even if only for a short while, because now that I am, I understand all of the confusion and hesitation that I've had. Nearly all of my relationships have involved a good few months, or a good few weeks, that was complete co-dependence, and then ended abruptly. But after the end, we would be shattered apart, whether I liked it or not, whether I wanted to or not. It would be nonexistent from there on. But this is different. Now that I am away, I only feel it more strongly, and I somehow know that she does too. I somehow hold that pure knowledge, of being completely faithful that something is true. I know that we are for real.

All of the times I've doubted it in those small ways that thoughts build up in the back, the small whispers that tell me that it will not last, or I will fall, or we will part, or she will see me for who I really am... these are all moot. We are both real, and we are both accepted on each side. And so, that persona is born: The person between two people, the anti-Gemini twin, the embodiment of symmetry in one formless shape.

True love.

We clasped...

Slow rain; brown eyes see shadows...
they focus:
the seed and the locust;
the hearth and the porthole;
a fire burns with painted eyes.
We fall over
onto each other
once and for all.
And that is my pride,
my sore and my meadow.
You will be my shadow,
to follow me forever,
and blackness will be forgotten.