Saturday, March 27, 2010

Still, her eyes are staring at me
Empty as the sky
In this moment of tranquility
I realize that this is goodbye.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

In terms of my writing, I have reached a place where I only write when I somewhat force myself to. And, in that mode, I try too hard to exhaustively explain my points, I focus too much on the structure and grammatical prose of it all. What comes out later seems kind of contrived.

I've realized recently that I really need to just write and not think about the rest of it. The reason that I like my style of writing back when I was a teenager so much is because I did exactly that. I didn't think, I just expelled. And now, when I want to impose the things I've learned into the method of writing, I start to ruin it. It doesn't really matter if it's not perfect or if there are flaws. I just need to write. Period.

And beyond the method and structure, the substance also suffers. I end up spiraling into an Ouroboros of explaining explanations, defining definitions. And I lose my main point. I become aimless. This is also something I miss about my older writing: No matter how insane and scattered it ever got, there was always a point when it would all be wound together in a gestalt moment, exploding with my own vitriolic deconstructions.

It's pretty obvious in the post before this one. That is what made me realize that I need to reevaluate my own motivation (well, writing motivations, at least)...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Problem of the Contemporary Mind

Part of our culture is based on irrationality. But it's selective; science can be derided all day, but people still believe in science when it comes to the practical things in life like technology and medical services.

The reason is that irrationality has been falsely linked to spirituality. Just like ghosts, aliens and bigfoot, people think that the ability to believe in things that have no real evidence shows that you are more open-minded, and therefore more intelligent (ironically). having the 'strength' to believe in things purely on faith is a sign of a stronger soul. And since the entertainment industry makes a lot of money capitalizing on these ideas, turning The History Channel into UFO story marathons, turning Sci Fi into the same kind of bullshit, they market to Americans' vanity in their sense of pseudo-spirituality.

Another large influence is the amalgamation of the different religious movements. They believe that logical thinking, critical thinking, and understanding of things like evolution and the debunking of religious dogma, all of these are antithetical and threatening to the existence of religion, and religious power. Part of the social control in America is based on keeping irrational thought and trust in faith alive by falsely discrediting any kind of scientific thought, at least when it is on a subject that opposes religious practice.

It is all manifest in the brain through the dichotomy of the emotional and intellectual minds. When we think based on our emotions, we block out the logical parts of thought, and vice versa. Both can not effectively coexist. But, if we have been trained at anything, it's compartmentalizing our thought and behavior. That is why people can believe that the Earth is less than 6,000 years old, and not be completely idiotic. They do not see the relatedness of things like the origin of the planet and the nature of the cosmos and things like fossil fuels. They can think that evolution is a lie, but still understand how dogs have been domesticated, or how plants are bred over time.

And, in cases like evolution, elements of social control deal with these on a case-by-case basis. Nobody in their right mind thought up the macro- vs micro-evolutionary difference. It was something created by religious thinkers who wanted a believable way to justify their dislike of Darwin and the anti-creationist sections of science.

It has degraded music also. The music industry has become a factory of overgeneralized formulae. Most popular music is based on a hip-hop beat and lyrics that have to do with basic mass-social gatherings, and emphasizes sexuality, condescension and the idea that the subject of the song is uniquely special. I think that these things, while they may seem strangely specific in that I picked them out, show the atrophy of poetic thinking in art. I believe that there is a reason that most popular music focuses on these kinds of fairy-tale story lines, or on possessing the opposite sex, or being better than 'the rest' of society, or about how life is a grander mystery that no one can ever understand. These are the most basic aspects of art, the most banal, amplified and used over and over until they become so prevalent in the way we think that it feeds on itself in a circular motion.

The conservative movement gained its power through the demonization of the elite, and the 'empowerment' of the common man. However, there was never any real empowerment, just the mirage of it; the interests that were always served gained their power through subjugating the lower classes of society, and it is in filling their minds with illusions of being greater that they did so.

The different ways that those with money exert their influence is as evil as Humans can be in society. The real problem isn't that they do it, but that Americans have learned to be so passive that they do nothing to think for themselves. All they do is zone out on their entertainment, their empty carnival-like entertainment, while they wait for the mass media to feed them the news that they are conditioned to hear, and then they form opinions on it based on what they're told to feel. Their opinions, their views and their thought processes themselves are conditioned and grown over time. It is not a conspiracy or some grand evil like the Illuminati. It's simple Human behavior, and because Americans are so complacent, even on a dying planet, even with crumbling and fracturing societies. They no longer know how to do anything other than be complacent slaves. Everything is separated to be either Progressive or Conservative, R or D, 'Liberal' or 'Responsible'.

And now, with all of these anti-government factions taking shape, with all of the protest movements and ideological lines being drawn... as much as it seems that we are empowering ourselves, we are still the same sheep. the movements themselves are being built by people who want power, and even when the pitchforks come, they will be supplied by the same people. That is the biggest deception in our society: Not that we do not have opposition, but that the opposition itself is just another side of the same control.

In my view, this is all caused by our 'open-mindedness'. We are pliable because we let ourselves to be dominated by an irrational culture, because we are dominated now by religious and spirtual leaders. Our society becomes more and more ridiculously violent, for stupid reasons. Irrationality becomes more dominant, and it causes children to be raised with less and less of a mind. We become more and more primal, more idiotic. We become more worthless with every inch that we give to religion, to irrational belief, with partisan feuds.

American values are dead, not because of the reasons Conservatives give. They are not dead because we have grown away from God, not because we have lost respect for our government. They are not dead because of the effects of terrorism or anti-American movements. They are dead because we, as a people, have forsaken intellectual and emotional education. We do not raise children with common sense. We do not respect anything other than what we are told to. We use excuses and justifications to deal with our problems, rather than face them. We have become pathetic, because we are pathetic.

Feed the gods a strychnine soul...

The never-ending journey in atrophy. Time and time again, I am discouraged by it. I don't look forward in a progressive fashion, but a regressive one. Everything, no matter how slowly, crumbles.

All of the people who have a rosy perspective, who think that everything will always be wonderful and hope is its own fertilizer, these people are the ignorant ones. Cynicism is coupled with pessimism because the cynics are the realists, and the world is a decrepit place. They don't see how deeply corrupt our government is, and they don't see how they are a part of it. They don't see that they are sheep.

And even when they think they are actively taking part in the system, trying to change politics and society, they are still sheep. They are being led. There is an entire movement that is built on the same control as the rest of it, but it is disguised as being anti-authority and pro-democratic.

People think we have a democracy, and that is why there are such problems in America. But we have only fascism and social control. We have only lazy ignorance, represented by people who are too selfish and stupid to be anything but apathetic or vapidly interested. People only care about themselves and how they are viewed. This is why it all works: They use their political views as a metaphorical bumper sticker, to show the rest of society how they feel. Sometimes, I don't think there are many people left who really see it all for what it is.

They do such wildly anti-American things as pushing religion so deeply into politics that our history books are being changed, our sense of values only go as far as our religious beliefs, and the act of discrimination is widely accepted as long as there is a religious justification to it. At the root of all of America's corruption and immorality, lies religion and religious thought. Because, religious thought is just another appendage of selfish ignorance.

But, in the grander scheme of things, none of it really matters. The rest of the world is still progressing, and will move beyond even America, which was once the beacon of all progress in the world. We will fall behind and crumble, and cease to exist, or fix things and start to make real progress. It doesn't really matter. The end result will be that the Human race will eradicate ignorance, outgrow it, or fall prey to it once and for all.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

I will fall in the shattering thunder of dying stars,
with one thing keeping me bound throughout it all:
the breadth of a deathly pall....

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Born in the USA...

The indicative point, the most revealing characteristic of Christianity, and all monotheistic religions (and other forms of authoritarianism) is its blatant self-contradiction and hypocrisy. But, somehow, it is in these contradictions that its power lies. Something in the Human condition allows such reverse-thinking. Just as Bush's "Clear Skies Initiative" completely fucked up the environment where it was applied, just as the "Patriot Act" is a completely un-American farce, there is an entire kind of strategy-making devoted to this kind of reversed logic.

And since the public is so intellectually lazy, they believe the false presentation of things simply because they are shown as being fact. Things that take only a minimal effort in critical thinking to prove false are believed, not only because they appeal to their sensibilities (as they are designed to), but they play off of the fears that come inherent with being ignorant and xenophobic. Most of the people I know believe that minorities taking advantage of welfare is one of the largest problems in the country; that's how ridiculous public thought is.

But even when they try to think critically about something and try to form an educated opinion, they do not have the facilities to adequately do so. They have no experience in picking apart things sufficiently. They have grown too stupid to suddenly be as smart as is required to stop the country's sinking into the abyss. Nothing pisses me off more than watching idiots debate about issues that they really don't know anything about, because all they do is battle diametrically opposed emotional responses, held up by half-truths and cherry-picked data.

As long as large corporations pay to have their information spread out among the public, as long as intelligence is demonized, as long as the cattle never outgrow the killing floor, nothing will ever change.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Let me burn you down...

I'm getting too old to be paralyzed. But, I am not young enough to revile the slow movement that mental paralysis allows.

I used to be too anxious to ever sit still. The older I've gotten, the more I respect meditation-like thought; that is, thought that moves at its own pace and is not hurried along. I have grown an immeasurable amount inside, but I still balk and fluster when I talk to my father. I still hide when I talk to my mother. I still tell people whatever they want to hear. I am still the epitome of misanthropy.

I feel like my writing was more profound back then, though. I don't know why. Perhaps my ego has regrown as it was before I broke down any walls and was the self-imposed imposition. The clueless megaphone of antithetical advice. The destroyer of worlds.

But I still have the same person inside of me. It's just become much harder to find him, because I have become a ruin on the outside.


There's no returning
There's no returning
There is no action
No way to divide

Silence is growing
Silence is growing
Out of refraction
And way out of sight
No clear recalling
No, no clear recalling
There's no reaction
No way back to light

Turn 'round and over
Over and over
Turn 'round and over
My liquid time
My liquid time
Back to the place where you are
A new void

No more returning
No more returning
Feeling no others
But we may be blind
So long a waiting
So long a watching
There must be something moving there in the dark
No fear inside you
No, no fear inside you
No, there's no reaction
No way back to light

Turn 'round and over
Over and over
Turn 'round and over

There's no returning
See, there's no returning
There is no action
No way to divide
Something's approaching
Something's approaching
Ready to strike with every beat of your heart

Turn 'round and over
Over and over
Turn 'round and over

A new void....

Monday, March 8, 2010

Now that I'm out of the nut house and on my own
Having worn out my welcome in every home
I'm to blame for all of the things that went wrong
I'm just a case away from losing it all
I slip to fall

I live two minutes from where I bought medicine
Escape as the guy on my way to sober friends
I'm to blame for all of the things that I've done
I'm just a case away from losing it all
I slip to fall

Time creeps by when I'm in reality
Sometimes, my feet start walking unconsciously
I've got some time, but I've got my life to go
I wish the best for us all, but I don't know...

And with her came the birds....

I am profoundly disappointed in myself. Even though I have clear goals that I am pursuing, regardless of how pointless they may seem to be to everyone else, even though I have grown, I am still the same train wreck that I've always been. Only, now, it's much worse because I keep heading slowly, gradually downward. I'm always lower than I was before.

I don't really care about the prospects that I will or won't have when it comes to meeting people, because I have completely adopted misanthropy to such a staggering degree. I don't even think of myself as part of that species anymore, because of my own mental illnesses. This has always been the point in my life when I've started taking medication again. But this time, I won't. And that kind of frightens me, as it does even when I do end up taking something for it. I feel as though I'm on the final track, which is so different than any time before now.

I am not heading down with reckless abandon, but with careful, languid deliberation. That is what's completely terrifying about it all. I feel as though I really am rotting from the inside out, now. And while I don't think I'll ever be quite as psychotic as I have been in my life, everything feels different, now. What was once chaotic fury is now psychopathy. What was once distress and desperation is now a cold, chilling contract.

What was once hope buried under mountains of fear and pain is now... pain, masked by numbness and sadness. The kind of sadness that never truly shows itself until it's much too late.

And within this melancholy, I remember my psychic roots. It isn't sorrow for the sake of sorrow. This is my real expression. I've never been able to adequately explain that, I feel. In our culture, this kind of presentation is usually used for self-reinforcement; it's all to exercise the ego in that destructive, pointless way that only shallow people can. But that is not me. I have to write things like this for my own sanity, even when it never really feels like it helps all that much. Whenever I go back through my writing, though, I find that this is the only real beauty I've ever known: The solemn, broken structures erected out of necessity.