Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A cold, perennial flow; the vortex of my soul.

I am the embodiment of poison.  I am the concept itself.

The separation that is so deep between the rigid and the amorphous always seems to be slowly draining me.  I have the gestalts, the epiphanies; they never end up helping.

There is purity in what I believe and do, but that never translates because, regardless of that motivation, I still have a caged beast's chemicals.  I still run on the same contradictions as the rest of Man.  

It's time to go into the 'me' below; my morbid self beneath.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Rescue

When it comes to pure logic, there seems to be the tendency to separate from the organic aspects of life, as if the logic itself rips apart natural, rhythmic development.  Binary trumps cell division; life is replaced by cause and effect, and thus, inner condescension and abhorrance.

People always want to feel as though they've got everything figured out.  And, since we thrive on the intentional stance, we always think we do have it all figured out, at least to a certain degree, even if our lack of knowledge is itself our reason.  Fear lets people hide from any real truth, while reassuring them through ignorance.  Understanding comes in waves of discontent and misanthropy.  And, at the end, everyone seems to go back to whatever comforts them, disregarding anything contrary or not a corollary.  The organism only seeks to strengthen itself and its intentions.

When logic is embraced, it is with the same ignorance.  People feel as though they can disregard the organic and shout down at it through a prism of objectivity and detatchment, as if the two are inseparable.  Objectivity itself is somehow grouped with apathy or disdain in the Human mind, as if looking beyond Nature leaves the physical personality of the world behind.  This is our failing.

When people as a whole can learn to see with both the objective and the stoic eyes, putting aside all of the reasons they hate themselves for seeing the truth, and seeing beyond everything that is wrong inside of them, then the world will really move forward.  Until then, everything else is tertiary.  To me, it's all pointless with psychological steps forward, and as tangible as that will always be displayed, it will never be real until it is accepted in the individual's own mind.  Our entire civilization is pointless until both logical and organic thinking are accepted as one.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Stars now beneath our feet; we've known the terror and still not stopped...

The thoughts that are built like brick and mortar are the ones that never move.  They don't crumble or age; if they do, it's only to become more intense and ingrained.  As far removed as I am from that kind of life, from life itself, these structures always stand tall.  Most of the time, though, they are obscured and forgotten about.  But they're always there.

There is always the tendency to forget and move forward, to use the forward brain and not the linear one.  The brain that always thinks abstract about the future in a nebulous way.  It's easier to do that than to draw a line.  But from those thoughts come the comparison to the reality of life, and how inadequate it seems most of the time.  Life itself seems inadequate.

And at the same time, to say it's understated is itself an understatement.  Life is the nebula that embodies what is abstract, even if it doesn't show in the concrete dealings of society and the Great Interpersonality.  It feels like I'm trying to use more colors than my eye can perceive, or broadcasting at a frequency that I can't even hear.  But, nonetheless, I hear it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


I'm almost finished with my fifth album, and listening from my first up until my most recent project definitely shows that I've gotten a lot better at both playing and mixing. But, regardless of that, they are very contiguous, because they are all parts of the same organism (to me, at least).

The dichotomy in music has always been just that: a stark divergence. There is honest music, and there is self-serving music. Regardless of genre or instruments or style or tempo or anything else, these are the only real categories to me.

There aren't many people who have not told me where and how I should improve, or simply that I'm in the process of getting better. But that doesn't register with me. I don't make music to get better or to find an end point. That is what makes music worthless.

Even my most amateur stuff reveals to me a part of my personality in a visceral way. I don't know if other people can see this, or if it's just my own delusional self-confidence in the matter, but I think it's really there. It is all created only to further my exploration of my own mind and soul.

Friday, March 13, 2009

I always have to dance at the line between servitude and transcendence.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Thank God I'm out of Touch

When you imagine the future, and that point in that future when our lives are kept entirely digital -- no photo albums, no CDs, no journals, no books, no planners, nothing of our personal lives at all in any physical form. All of that will become information, and in doing so it will be a new level of self-representation. I think that transition is conceptually a huge evolutionary jump; a huge abstract leap.

I would assume that most relatively intelligent people who are alive now can imagine that kind of future. We're at a time wheni t always seems like someting big like that is about to happen, and we are at the membrane itself. But, when I think about how it could come about realistically, I'm convinced that it will take an amazingly future-minded company, the kind of company that is mildly benevolent when part of the story of some of the movies I've seen that weren't good enough to remember the name of. They make all of the things possible that seem so mundane when shown in that way. It will be what cell phones are now, and what a 16-bit console seemed like to me as a kid.

But the more I think about it, I think about how I blog on Blogger, use Gmail for email, use Google Video all the time, was looking earlier about putting my programming projects up on Code.Google.Com (and if it was even possible to make an account), and the many, many other different things I was looking at. If there is any company that can really be that company, the linchpin to a new technological era for society... a neo-AOL, but with an exponentially greater impact on life, it is Google. And it would be great if it were.

They are the only people who seem like they can pull off being a mildly benevolent stilt for modern life. They're the only company that I can realistically see always staying on that track, never becoming a monolithic evil force, or being phased out by time, or ending in a flurry of illegal acts. And the best part of it all is, they do all of the things that they do very well. They actually know what they're doing. There are so many other companies trying to do the same kinds of things (maybe not the multitude that Google does, but even at specific things, like blogs), but there is a ridiculously small number of companies for a given app that it's something I'd be really proud of.

So maybe the emotional revolution really is coming in my lifetime...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Earth Is Not a Cold, Dead Place

I am here, in this reality, even if it is just my own. It is mine. I have nothing else; we all have nothing, save our own sense of reality.

I have that coiling urge to strike against my own untruth and my feeling of displacement, because the emptiness makes me feel as though I've lost my own sense of time. There are always those breaking points, and I never waste them.

Every facet of the world is both unimportant and paramount, but outside of me at the same time. And even though it usually feels monolithic in that towering, overcast way, my own life is on another level entirely.

The hardest thing for anyone who deals with any kind of addiction is trying to find a certain kind of neurosis. The feeling of laser precision that comes with the more introspective and introverted drugs is a very powerful motivator, in terms of self-discovery. But outside of alteration, my reality usually slams into a wall before it can be honed in any way at all. It makes me feel useless because of that. It makes me feel like I am impotent in any real capacity.

But the wealth underneath that is larger than anything else I've ever seen in life, and the longer I'm alive, the more profound I realize it is. I never felt all that grateful for being alive, but I do now. And even though I feel the same inadequacies most of the time, I feel like I've charged myself with my most important purposes and suffered my most significant trials without hesitation or blindness. I am never blind when it comes to myself, even though I am usually delusional.

I love myself. That is a strong phrase; stronger than most would understand. To say so casually that you owe it to yourself to find yourself is such an understatement to being alive. The sheer weight of impact in art is the only thing that has ever made me feel alive, and it is a practice of solitude. Pure solitude. No feigning, no compromise, no dissonance, no capitulation, no falsity. No deception whatsoever.

As much as I ever hope that I will find meaning and love around me or in another person doesn't matter at all anymore. I value it the same, and need it th e same, but I need myself more.

Of all the things that I write down to remind myself of how important my mind is, this is the greatest statement of self-trust. There are such dark recesses within me that will never see the light of recognition, because of their depth alone. People can't handle those kinds of truths, and will always be offended by their visceral nature. That is one thing that has always saddened me.

But it's all so beautiful; life itself is the ugly beauty of being Human. I can never compromise that, and to do so is to cease being alive and Human.

The greatest thing I have ever learned is how to embarrass myself through complete honesty. It is so hard to do, which is ironic and pathetic. To simply be honest is ridiculously hard. I never understood that.

And the day I quit is the day I die. These feelings are where God truly lives; I cannot handle letting myself down by neglecting them.

I wish others would feel that same inclination, even if only to reassure me that it is as important as I think it is....

Monday, March 9, 2009

We Are the Coup

To overcome oneself is what the good philosophers understand as the greatest trial. Life is not made for understanding, but for growing through.

Death is not an end, but it is certainly not what everyone makes it out to be. People gather to console themselves, not the deceased. There is no story for them, and that is why there is no end. The living's memories are the only anchor for them at that point. And yet, I am told to put my faith in the church; to vacillate to a different rhythm than my own. Any discordance is viewed as negative, as tertiary and as misguided. But my own sense is more profound than crutches or displacement and dissonance.

I have seen death, and I have seen the dead. I have mourned for both the dead and death itself in the same way: through recognition. Anything else is deception and self-loathing. And that is why I was never really a Catholic.

What we do here is all the more important when you realize that there is no end to the story, because the story itself ceases. There is no transcendence, because movement is finished at that point. It is an abrupt end to a steady line. There is no point at its apex.

And as empty as that sounds philosophically, it brings me much more wealth than the fantasy of seeing those people ever again. They are gone. Period.

And that is the rest that they rightfully deserve. They are in a better place, because they are not here anymore, not because they have gone to travel the stars or another realm.