Friday, September 11, 2009

There goes my head...

What am I doing?

I went on a bender, I lost myself, I lost every sense of bearing and direction.

I have no idea where either of my phone chargers are, and both have been dead for at least a week now. I have no money, My bank account is hundreds of dollars in the red, my bills are unpaid and piling, and I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea where reality is.

My palpitations are worse, so much so that it worries me every time I lay down to sleep. I don't have any real sense of consciousness; I feel like I'm hurdling down a wire at lightspeed, using every ounce of Self just to hold on. And I'm awake at five in the morning, unsure as to whether I should even sleep or not before work.

The last time I felt like this, I was hiding, trying not to think about how recently Death had visited me.

And now, I'm here again, but this time with an emptiness instead of a burgeoning sadness. Pure emptiness.

I'm sorry that I don't deserve you, and I'm sorry that it had to be shown in this way. I'm sorry that I'm too erratic and unstable and introverted to let it end any other way. I'm sorry.

I am the wanderer
bound to burning effigies,
pupils wide in anger,
straining from a winter.
Stretched thin for elegies,
strings smoldering, a lesion.
A lesson for belief;
my skin is leathered myth:
the shining proxy crumbling;
statues of weltered sin.

I can't reach the width
required to douse myself.
Silent fires are burning;
raging storms unyielding.
And I am silent,
for I am a silence.

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