From dereliction,
out of convalescent pain,
only down is here.

Misanthrope at best, masochist at worst...

I often think about all of the failed relationships to which I have been steward and nothing more, almost unconsciously deliberate in my antagonism. I believe a part of me always wants them to fail in their multitude of ways. A switch is activated in me which causes me to purposefully sabotage every aspect of them, turning into a purely destructive force, even to the point of dishonesty. I'm sure that it stems from my own nonexistent sense of self-worth, or rather, my sense of worthlessness in relationships. I do not put value in them because I have conditioned myself to abstain from doing so.

When I am lying down to sleep, I go through a list of phrases that I tell myself without fail: I am afraid of dying alone. I do not want to die alone. I will probably die alone.

And I think about my past relationships, and how worthless they ended up being, not because they were empty themselves, but because I deliberately emptied them, usually to my own detriment in both the image I cultivated in others and my image of myself.

But I don't think these things with pangs of guilt or sadness. I always feel the tone of solemn tranquility in my brain, as if I'm waiting for the guillotine. That is the end product of all my coping mechanisms: To wear the spirit of a man condemned to death.

I don't really have hope in other people because I have no direction for myself. I don't view the future with any sense of optimism. I only see the final chapters, falsely tainted by my own introverted fatalism.

But one thing I have learned to be true is that expressing even the most morbid things will help them, even if only in some abstract, out-of-reach way.

Nothing is the way it seems
Discerning man from machines
Dominate as to erase
Wiping man off Earth's face
Fueling engines through deceit
To eradicate humanity
Man is obsolete!
Erased, extinct!

How did this room get so white?

Nothing makes a person feel crazier than the belief of having corrosive insight into just about everything, and it's magnified infinitely by the knowledge of how everything can be dissected.

The world itself is ironically shallow; ironic because of how deep everything else is traveling. We can understand the code of life itself, pick apart any academic idea or theory. And yet, when it comes to the most important things, the personified aspects of symbolism, everything becomes more shallow than anything imagined.

The isolation of a schizoid reality splits it all down the middle, and is upheld by blaring contrast: On one side, the emotive nature of the possibilities in Human behavior, and on the other, complete idolatry of the most banal concepts. Actually, they aren't even worthy of being called 'banal', because even those things hold more meaning than the largest, most influential parts of society.

I find the strangest examples of this chasm. And what disturbs me is that it doesn't even matter what angle it comes from: Youtube videos teaching people how to French kiss; the way Presidential terms define our culture and the value put in those representations; the majority of the programming on The History Channel; the spectacle of pole-dancing that live music performances have become; Americanized dubs of anime; the whole internet-dating-site 'construct' (read: business model); the ridiculous disregard for safety in the world of prescription drugs (and the ridiculous lack of any kind of responsibility for them) and, conversely, the other side reflected through illegal drugs; the idiocy of reality TV; the same reaction to public acts of violence over and over and over; the very concept of having a Dept. of Homeland Security in a country like the U.S.; the way that gaming culture has been twisted into a G4-esque, anti-intellectual entertainment industry; people anywhere listening to anything the Pope says and -not- laughing with derision; our symbiotic (read: parasitic) existence with forms of transportation that are slowly killing us; the over-glamorization of musicians into deities of self-indulgence and primal pseudo-royalty status; our (un)justified fear of profanity; the empty pleasure in all things forbidden for the sake of it; the dais that the Lowest Common Denominator (tm) rests on; egomania's status as exempt from real criticism or destruction; the blending of nobility and infamy into some amorphous thing that defines social status; the irrational love of controversy, especially when it holds an antithetical, anti-humane effigy as an idol; the laughable contradiction of all dogma; the people's ardent love for such dogma (read: evil).

They are all pieces of the same pitiful thing: The lack of Nature in Humanness. I am convinced that if I did not have the intellect that I do, I would not have been able to survive at all. The weight of it all overshadows the purer sense of hope for the future, and makes such a feeling more and more ideological by the day; more ideological and more illusory.

You will never sleep at night...

When the mind of the crowd comes forward
to strip my time to bare
with urgency and grievance,
I lose sight of ataraxy.

Greet Death

Somehow, I have become a machine that is in constant entropy. I only feel like myself after I've whittled everything down for so long that, when I finally let myself, I sleep for an ungodly length. Then, for a few hours after I wake up, I feel like my brain will share some of its electricity with me.

A worm thriving in seas of disgust; I'm common...

Every conception is wrong. Every single one I see in American culture.

Even the points that were made in history to educate those who came after. They were twisted, misinterpreted, lost in ignorance. There is no philosophy in our philosophy, because we do not know what the study of wisdom is; we do not have any wisdom.

We are the spoiled brats of sacrificial men. We think we can argue forever, compromise forever without taking a concrete stand. Slavery would probably still be here if it weren't for outside influences and the relentless beating of a minority opinion. And still, it took too long. We respect those who act immorally because we want to be viewed as fair, and in doing so, we are unjustly punishing our own fates. It is reprehensible; a word that can fill anyone's vocabulary when they look at the history of a supposedly free nation.

What was once a moral stance has been skewed so that it became moral presentation. My brother holds fast to the idea that we are nothing but sheep now, on a never-ending decline into oblivion. But, the ironic thing is that this is exactly what any religious fundamentalist, any Neo-Conservative, any leftist or anyone else with a strong social moral stance will tell you. It is a fallacy.

In the same vein of the 'reality' problem that Creationists pose to Darwinists, the solution is obvious. It goes something like, "How can something like reality, something so beautifully complex and amazing exist without some intelligent creator?" And the Evolution-believer will say: It exists because it's here. If reality wasn't the way it was... it wouldn't be here. We wouldn't be here." To exist is not an explanation for anything, because the nature of existence itself is self-explanatory. There can't be anything like that deduced from it.

If there are Humans who understand the world for what it really is, then that means that all Humans aren't ignorant, selfish worms. If there is one tiny spark of realization, as with the beginning of the 20th Century with The Enlightenment; if one mote of meta-knowledge is present, it will try and try to replicate until it finally does, or is extinguished. As long as there is one person living somewhere who understands this, then Humans are not completely lost. Even if it does feel completely hopeless.

I believe that everything can be explained by philosophy, and if not, then by psychology. If I am the only person on the planet who believes in the slow accumulation of knowledge and application of severely critical thinking, then that means that those ideas have at least some root in humanity. Although I am much too cynical to think that it will really change, I do not believe it will never change.

I don't think many people thought slavery would ever end (which goes back far behind America). I don't think anyone envisioned any of the things that the present generations take for granted, and I don't think anyone alive today can foresee what the world will be like, even in a decade. The Human mind is way too short-sighted and, by default, selfish to dream about the future in any cogent sense.

Back to America specifically, the only thing that has really set us apart is that no one can control it all for an extended period of time. Even when it seems that the masters are pulling our strings, those masters are not the same people, or of even the same lineage as those who once did. And when the people regain their taste for violent upheaval, things will change. Far more people today know the hypocrisy of organized religion than did a hundred years ago, and that means that the world can only become more intellectual. I think that the more global societies get, as well, will mean that selfishness and greed (two totally different organs) will have a higher chance of being obliterated.

Not that it would ever happen, but if every child born from today onward was properly educated and taught about the evils of Man in the realer senses, the world would completely change forever. All of Man will die in pitiful anguish, no matter how powerful they are now. And that is the only consolation that one can give to their children. I think that people take for granted that calling someone a nigger is frowned upon and seen as abhorrant nowadays, when even twenty years ago, it was not nearly as much so. It is a relatively small example, but exemplifies the lurching, sporadic nature of progress.

We like to think that history is linear, and that the future will also be, but neither is. It was and will be a happenstance chain of cause-and-effect, of unintended consequence and the struggle of evil and good (with the former usually winning in secret). Nationalistic history is linear because it needs to be propagandized in certain ways, and it needs to be so because that is the only way people grasp it. In a lot of ways, ancient Rome was more forward-thinking than America is today; that is the simplicity of Humans as animals. Despite what external influences exist, there is a basic nature in Man that always seeks to put itself forward. While most people think that this is the evil of Man and his proud nature, I do not believe so. All psychology and philosophy I have read has led me to think that basic Human nature is much more altruistic and benevolent than it would seem. It is only opportunistic tendencies and the most basic seeds of things like misogyny and domineering cultures that shapes society for the worse. And all of those things are in the process of dying, even when it doesn't seem like it.

I have a morbid kind of hope for Man, because I know that if such basic things aren't solved, then we will commit suicide as a whole. Even though I will not be alive to witness it, I take pride in knowing that such negative processes will be brutally extinguished, and either give way for real positivity, or end in darkness. Man will either fix things and deserve his space, or will fail and die pitifully, and let the universe wait for the next, better creature. All Humans can do is relentlessly push the truth forward, and hammer it into place until it sticks. A child is the definitive vessel for either progress or obliteration.

New Macabre

It takes more effort than I would admit to express myself these days. It wasn't like that when I was still an incision within society; now, I feel more like a scar. Healed, but not quite original.

In reading Jung, I am learning more about a very nuanced view of neurosis and schizophrenia. It agrees not only with my intuition, but with what I know first-hand. And it gives me reason to believe that there are ways of overcoming even the most abstract pain and suffering.

Stare long into the mouth of abandonment...

When the rift is really greatest, albeit arbitrary.

Not larger, or wider, or longer; more defined. But, you can still crawl through.

So, that is paramount. It doesn't really matter what's there, but for its existence in the spectrum of travel. I never got the hang of being ambitious. I never really kicked the habit(s). I still don't believe in spirits. But I did reignite the spark of curiosity towards knowledge.

And that's good enough for me. We are the creatures of muscular, organic, neurotic learning. Nobody thinks that way anymore; at least, nobody I've ever met... but I still do.