Friday, September 17, 2010

The grating fear of unearthed furor…

A moment in my life that should be the epitome of relaxation, of rest and contemplation, is instead punctuated by fear and panic.

I am filled with stress.  Even though every hour is one that I can direct in any way, even though I have absolutely no obligations, no schedule, I am constantly freaking out.  My mind is always racing, and I feel as though I’m plummeting down, towards some anti-finale that threatens to disassemble any sense of sanity that I have ever been able to keep.

It doesn’t help that I’m reminded every day of the piercing obnoxiousness that is personified in my family.  Living with an annoying, retarded brother and his annoying, retarded wife (and their annoying, retarded children) grates more and more on my composure.  Every day for the last three weeks, I have woken up to a two year old screaming.  Every day I have to listen to what sounds like the lobby of an inner city McDonald’s or Wal-Mart in the background noise, while I try to keep a steady stream of audial distractions.  There is no silence, anymore; the one thing I need to maintain some semblance of calm is gone.

I am neurotic enough to be disturbed by their mere presence.  I have no solitude, anymore.  All I have is obnoxious distraction.  All I have are days when I am disturbed because someone needs a favor, or days when I cannot think to myself because of the loud white trash staying here, or days filled with anxious deliberation that leads nowhere, and is usually suffocated through a mindless activity.  It’s all I can do to keep from having a nervous breakdown.

When I decided to quit my job, I had visions of a quiet time of repose.  Of not worrying about money for a few months, for I could chip away at a sizeable nest-egg.  Of sitting in peace and working on my projects, thinking about their construction and planning their future.  All I have now is a drill, slowly splitting apart each layer of my brain, until it unearths the frustrated, panic-ridden core of my being; the thing that I have tried to sedate for so long, and was so far reasonably successful.

All I want is some peace and quiet, for a change….

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