It feels like It’s been years since I accessed my real emotions. I’m pretty sure it has been.
Everything is beginning to flood back in. The grief; the loss; the need; the destruction; the emptiness.
But, whereas before I would sulk and sink into it, I will not do that ever again. I will never become that low unless I let myself. Even if I have to kill off my own memories. Because I have to, to survive.
Emily is never returning. Brittany isn’t either. Linnea is almost gone; I’m sure of that. I will probably never see or speak to my father ever again. I will probably never see most of the people I’ve known throughout my life ever again. I want it that way. I need to leave them all behind, to move forward.
I have been sleeping in a death so absolute that I forgot I –was- asleep. And now, I’m beginning to awaken. And it’s so painful. But, this sacrifice will forever be a part of me, just like all those times when fate murdered the parts of me. Every single one of them.
But Humans are like that. We die, and we live again. No one else can resurrect like I can, because I don’t believe that anyone else has died like me and wasn’t snuffed out completely.
I remember walking around on campus, listening to music so loudly that it drowned out the blaring sensation of being alone in a crowd. I remember trying to grasp at a burning rope, to somehow get her back to me. I remember sitting in my car on the side of the road in the middle of the night, bearing my heart to someone that never cared about me. I remember watching the New Years’ celebration in a hospital room. I remember holding the blade to my wrist, and being afraid. I remember pumping my veins to bursting, and being afraid. I remember being a ghost, and I remember being dead. I remember all those ancient pains. I always will.
But, I will move forward; alone. And I want it to be that way. Because none of them ever really cared about me. I just wanted them to. But something’s different, now; I care about myself.