Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Abutting, Dismantling

I’m starting to feel like I have to fight against my brain on a daily basis.  Something about my makeup is pushing me into a state of requiring stimulus to find the effort to stimulate myself.  It’s the exact same condition that always made me start abusing things…

How do people just live, peaceably, without giving birth to some hungry demon inside of them?  When people say that addiction is a disease, I think this is what they mean:  Not an actual illness, but something fundamentally wrong with the circuits in the brain.  They don’t operate normally, they only want and need and devour.

Maybe this is a sign that I really am returning to normal.  I’m not longer sick from withdrawal, I’m no longer on the natural high that comes with overcoming the sickness… I’m just normal, here, and I can feel myself needing something.  Not even anything specific, just… something to push me forward.

I start retreating into myself, and I start becoming disconnected.  I have never been able to overcome that aspect of my chemistry.  As much as I force myself into that state of happiness that comes with telling yourself over and over and over that everything’s alright, I don’t really believe myself anymore.

My entire world becomes obfuscated and replaced by this one simple thing:  To find a way to be occupied, without the awareness that I’m only occupying myself for the sake of it.  Outside of myself, everything starts to blur until it feels unattainable.  The last month of my life still seems like a dream, somehow…

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