Despite the feeling of finally returning into my own body, I still have this emptiness that makes it hard to apply myself.  I have no real interests, and while I can record music, and spend hours doing that… that’s the only thing that can get my mind thinking about something else.  Whenever it’s late and I’m aimless, I start thinking about what I’m supposed to do in the following weeks… how I’m going to pay my bills… how I’ve seemed to gloss over the fact that my awesome, affectionate cat isn’t here anymore… how I know I won’t be able to fall asleep unless I spend hours doing so… it builds panic in me.

I feel fine sometimes, but even then, I know the anxiety is there.  It’s always there.  I have this spring-loaded trigger that is never set off.  No matter what I do all day, it never dissipates my energy enough to make me feel complacent.

I guess I still am recovering, as much as I’d like to believe that recovery is over.  It’s only day 24.  It hasn’t even been a month.  I would still be in a rehab center right now, if I had gone that route.

And at these hours is when I try to write something, just so I will feel like I’ve dispersed –something-.

Exercise… do the dishes… reorganize my possessions… clean the counters… do a few loads of laundry… none of it seems to really matter, other than giving me some faint reason to wear my body out.

I just hope it changes soon.  Now that I almost have it, I miss the ancient feeling of being comfortable in my own skin.  I don’t even remember the last time I had that feeling, but I know it’s in there somewhere… aside from all the feelings and memories that I’ve suppressed for years.

--

I feel something like a weakness
deep inside
One weighs stronger than the other,
something like…

Wrong emotions setting free
and fear I can’t love
One tear, a river drowns me
One bad principle

All this shit must keep you seeing
black and white
Oh my God, it’s taking over
Say you’re sorry

Three feet deep, a piece of you is staring at this
Seems skin deep, my smiling’s only a piece relied on
selfish solving, base-revolving words

Self-sufficient, educated idiot,
I took too much and measured out
Not too conscious, not too bored
But to realize,
it soils you
Pieces of this…
can’t describe it
A beautiful lie
on all five sides of it

Shut up
Shut up
Great Disaster
Let down
Let down
with resistance
Get out
Get out
when you come around
Let down
Let down
I’m allowed to say

This is just a dream,
just a flaw in the seams,
touching ground…
touching everything
This is just a dream,
just a flaw in the seams,
touching ground…
touching everything
This is just a dream,
just a flaw in the seams,
touching ground…
touching everything
This is just a dream,
just a flaw in the seams,
touching ground wide…
touching everything

I can hear you call my name, but
nothing goes to show your blame

--

Blissful wishes, floating in the clouds
I see ambition killing us, I’ve found
justified decisions knocking me down
Can’t stop this piston, flooded engine

Distant misses
Common excuses
Captured a glisten
of a smile that makes me smile
Now, I’ve looked all around me
and I am still deciding
who has listened to the strength in my sanity

I know
this is not a lot, it comes
too bold
and I swallow every drop
like it’s strychnine mixed with cyanide

I thought I tried
I’ve lost my mind

So pure
Not so
So sure
I will go
Good intentions
for bad predictions
I’ve lost my mind
Thought you’d remember me
from two days, for two weeks
You laughed, and I smiled
My heart can’t forget how
I lost my mind
I thought I tried for you

One time, not silent
The one next to you is not the one to blame
Come, we’re all sitting here in a circle of shit,
a million miles of shit
covering the ground

The love you plan
It still erases
The love you plan
It still erases
The love you plan
It still erases
The love you plan
It still erases

I know this is not a lot, it comes
two-fold
and I’ll swallow every drop
like it’s strychnine mixed with cyanide
I know I believe in God
it shows too slow, but
you’re all I’ve got
'cause it still feels good being different

Different from you
I thought you knew
I tried my hardest to keep you
alive
Thought you’d be honest
Thought you’d be true
It all turns my way
It all turned to grey
There’s nothing left to say
There’s nothing left to say
Nothing to say
Nothing to lose
Nothing to say
Nothing to lose
without you

Colors so sad,
they will make you cry
Lost in the innocence,
I’m lost in you
Colors so sad,
it will make you cry
Lost in the innocence,
I’m lost in you
Lost in you
Lost in you
Lost in you
Lost in you

Stumbled
and fell down
Nothing left to do but look around us in the end
We look for something to use
We look for someone to shove
Some we take as its handed
Some we take for granted
But some weren’t lucky enough
Some weren’t blessed enough to be standing on the lines
inside and everyone,
as their name is called
This is a roll call
This is a roll call
Tell me what is real?
Let me get the difference
Everything is shit
Just like your pale face
scared by the vision of everything,
turning to fire underneath your blisters
Everything is shit
It’s shit