Tuesday, June 5, 2012

They call it night, they call it night, and I know it well…

I realized recently that being in a social setting for longer than a few days at a time changes me a lot.  Or, maybe lying in an apartment for the 4 months before that was what originally changed me.

But all of my social interactions are more or less the same.  People try to be friendly to me, and I reciprocate in a very cliche` way, because deep down, I really don’t care at all about other people.  But, dealing with those same people over and over forces me to adopt a layer of personality on top of my own.  This started as me not wanting to weird out people I had just met and was going to work with for the foreseeable future.  But, it made me realize that most people just like to talk about themselves to another person who is acting like he’s listening.  It’s amazing just how much people enjoy doing it.  Being around people that I haven’t known for years and years all of a sudden brings out the sociopathic psychoanalyst in me.  I’d like to think that I say things uncharacteristic of my own mind just because I am reinforcing a person’s psyche and dissecting it at the same time, but really I just reflexively respond with whatever is on the top of my head, and only afterwards do I really think about it.

I forgot how much of my physicality and mentality were based on how much anxiety I was feeling at the time.  It’s only recently that I’ve started to feel more relaxed, and it has let some of my real personality come out naturally.  I feel like I haven’t really been myself since moving here… but am slowly returning to something that existed years before I even thought of moving, a level that was smothered by habits and emotional dislocation.

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